‍Intro

Choosing a therapist in the UK is a minefield. Directories are full of therapy jargon and profiles that all sound exactly the same. And the thing that matters most when it comes to choosing your therapist isn’t their CV, it’s  the connection you have with them. I have leaned on my 20 years of experience as a Clinical Psychologist to outline in this guide what that connection looks and feels like and how Pear helps you to choose a therapist you’ll click with. 

How to choose a therapist

‍The key takeaways:

• The relationship between you and your therapist matters more than their credentials
• A good therapist adapts to the person in front of them and can gauge what they need specifically
• Red flags in a therapist can be both human (abrupt, critical) and professional (overworked, lack of flexibility, too cheap) 
• Therapy directories can only tell you so much, you need to talk to a therapist first to see if they are truly right for you 
• A bad experience in therapy is usually down to the therapist being the wrong fit, it doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for you 
• You don’t need to understand what type of therapist you need, that is exactly what Pear is here to do

When to reach out sooner

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Why does fit matter more than credentials?

It goes without saying that qualifications and experience are the baseline of finding a therapist but what I’m talking about now is what happens next. Qualifications and experience will only take you so far in terms of getting the most out of therapy, because you need connection and you need to ‘click’.

When building a connection with a therapist, personality and communication style matter just as much as their training. A CBT therapist with 15 years’ experience might have the perfect balance of skill and structure for one person, and not quite be right for someone who needs a little more humour and reality in the room. What each person needs will depend on what makes them feel comfortable and safe. Because without a safe connection to your therapist, therapy won’t be as effective.

As a Psychologist, I often think about the therapeutic connection and relationship being one that you feel seen in. From my perspective, a good indication of this, with a new therapist, is where you feel they can summarise your struggles in a couple of sentences, based on what you have told them. That moment, where you feel understood by a stranger, is the start of building a safe connection.

At Pear, this is why we offer free discovery calls when we pair you with therapists. After chatting with them for 15 minutes, you are probably able to tell whether they are someone who you would get along well with. It’s not too different from sitting next to a stranger at a wedding, or meeting a new colleague for the first time. You need to want to be in their company, to feel able to share a little (and eventually a little more) about where you are in life. These subtle connections aren’t related to qualifications, or experience; they are based on being able to communicate safely and trust the process, none of which happens without a good therapy pairing! 

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What makes a good therapist (the green flags)

From my perspective, all therapists need to be human first. They need to talk like a real person, be sensitive to individual needs, and be a person that someone can communicate with honestly and simply. I also believe a good therapist adapts to the person in front of them. We’re all individuals with different needs, and therapy should reflect that. A good therapist will be able to gauge what is needed from their client. Personally, humour is very important to me when I’m looking for ‘green flags’ in a therapist, which I am aware isn’t everyone’s cup of tea. But, if a therapist hasn’t sussed my need for humour, that usually tells me they’re perhaps not right for me.

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When I am vetting therapists for Pear, there are a few green flags I look for on top of qualifications, experience and the practical stuff:

• I want to hear that they take their own mental health seriously. Therapists who treat themselves well have the space to treat their clients well
• I want to hear they have their own therapy and supervision
• I want to check they are working in a way that is sustainable and ethical, again to ensure they can offer the best possible therapy to others
• I want to check if they’re a therapist who is curious and keen to continue their learning

But overall, when it comes to finding a good therapist, I think the biggest green flag is a therapist who shows up as their human self. Getting the right balance between not taking themselves or their practice too seriously. Also holding their need for boundaries of self-care and professionalism tight enough, to make sure they are taking the needs of others seriously. 

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Therapist red flags to watch for

From my perspective, I believe that therapist red flags can be categorised into human red flags and professional red flags.

Some examples of what I would call ‘human red flags’ would be:

• If a therapist appears too abrupt, critical or in any way punitive in their communication 
• If they appear dismissive or invalidating 

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From a professional perspective, the red flags I would look for include:

• If their session prices are too low, there may be a good reason for this. However, if they’re having to take on too many clients to earn a living, they probably don’t have the capacity to show up as their best self 
• If they’re having more than 20 sessions each week. Therapy requires a lot of attention, empathy and can lead to burnout for the therapist if they’re having too many sessions within a week
• If a new therapist feels too familiar or over-friendly. The relationship should always feel kind, supportive and professional
  
  

I could list all sorts of ‘dos and don’ts’ in the therapist choosing process, but I would advise you to go with your gut over anything else. Although we vet therapists before they join Pear, this is still why we offer our free discovery calls before you commit to sessions. If you are chatting to a therapist and your gut tells you, ‘this isn't the therapist for me’, listen to it, as we can always help you find someone who is. 

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How to choose a therapist when they all look the same

At Pear, we really believe that asking people to choose a therapist from a big directory is really unfair. The therapy world is filled with jargon and very unclear terms like EFT and EMDR and CBT-I and CBT-E. And don’t get me started on why therapists all use the words warm and non-judgemental, though admittedly I have been guilty of this myself!

Therapists are essentially trying to communicate that they are nice humans, but what’s happening is everyone is saying the same thing and it therefore ends up being meaningless to a client.

A profile in a therapy directory can tell you:

• What a therapist is qualified in
• The therapy model they’re delivering
• Their session prices 
• Their availability 

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But what it lacks is the subtle, nuanced needs you will have. Someone who is relaxed and informal in their sessions, versus someone who holds structure and clarity. It won’t tell you whether a therapist's tone of voice is going to be soothing or remind you of your old primary school teacher (whom you hated).

This is exactly why we created Pear. We don’t think it should be down to someone who isn’t trained in therapy to make this decision at the moment they’re already struggling. It relies on clinical understanding, personality pairing and appreciating what skills and approaches pair with specific struggles and challenges.

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When we pair, we take into account practical needs first:

• Your budget
• Therapist demographic (gender, race, sexuality etc.) 
• Availability 

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Then we move onto thinking about style, approach and what they might be like in the room.

If a client is struggling with panic attacks and anxiety and is looking for short term and structured therapy, I look to who our best CBT therapists who specialise in anxiety are. If a seeker is asking for longer term exploratory work around self-worth, I might look to our psychoanalytic therapists.

It’s important to mention there may not be just one therapist for you. I often pair clients with up to three therapists, which is why our free discovery calls are important. Do they make you feel comfortable, and most importantly seen? That can often tip you towards a specific therapist you want to do the work with. 

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We have very few people come back to us asking to be re-paired because our pairing process is so individual. We really take care in thinking about what you need; not just financially and practically, but also what specifics you need from a therapist in order to create the right pairing. 

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Choosing again after a bad experience

Unfortunately, this is such a common experience and it usually comes down to clients not knowing what type of therapist they might need and therefore choosing someone who was recommended by a friend, or simply the first profile that came up from a Google search. A poor therapeutic experience can turn people off therapy altogether.

I would describe bad therapy as wearing a bad shoe. It will give you blisters, be really painful and awkward, and make you want to stop still and take the shoes off immediately. But, good therapy is the opposite, you will start gliding through life, not even knowing you are wearing them. Just like shoes, it comes down to fit.

If you have had a bad experience before, I can completely understand why starting again might feel daunting. My advice would be to make sure you speak to your therapist at the beginning, come with your questions, be open about your previous experience and trust your gut.

Whenever I talk to people who have had a bad experience in therapy, I always try to encourage them to try again. Imagine if every time you tried something new in life and it didn’t work you just stopped it… you would deprive yourself of a lot of things worth experiencing, and with the right connection, therapy can be a great experience. 

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Do I need to know what type of therapist I need?

I think there has been a long pattern of overusing medical disorders to categorise therapist profiles.

This has led to clients feeling that they need to have a disorder, or be really clear about what specific ‘type of therapist’ they need. This emphasis on medicalised struggles and therapeutic approaches has taken the focus away from what is really important:

• Is this person qualified and supported appropriately? 
• Can I afford this therapist? 
• How able am I to connect and chat comfortably with this person? 
• Does this therapist understand where I am coming from?
• Do I want to sit and chat with them again? 

I believe the approach matters slightly less than these factors.

I believe it is our job at Pear to do the rest. It’s not fair for you to know which ‘type’ of therapist you need. That is what I am able to do, based on information you give me about what you are struggling with, your experiences with therapy so far, and the style that you might be interested in. 

We’ll pair you with a therapist we believe will help

I genuinely don’t believe people have the knowledge or the time to find a therapist on their own. The world of therapy is somewhat mystical and hard to quantify. That is why we have taken the time to demystify the process, and do the pairing for you.

If you feel ready to take that next step, our pairing is free and so is the discovery call to decide if the therapist feels like a good fit. You only start paying when you have chosen your therapist and you start full length sessions with them.

We’re here to take the search off your shoulders and pair you with the therapist you finally click with.

Click HERE to start your free pairing today.

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