Intro 

One of the scariest things about starting therapy is not knowing what to expect. A lot of people find therapy daunting because they’re worried about what to say, nervous about crying their way through the session or wondering how they’ll even know if it is working for them.

Therapy is a different experience for everyone, as people have their own unique challenges to navigate, and not every therapist works in the same way. But, there are some key things you can generally expect.

So, without the jargon, here is what therapy can look and feel like from a Psychologist’s perspective.

Key takeaways:

• Therapy provides you with a space that is entirely your own where you can explore feelings, thoughts and patterns alongside someone trained to help you understand yourself better
• Your therapist will often take the lead for your first few sessions, you don’t need to come prepared, just show up and be yourself
• All emotions are welcome and encouraged in therapy. It is normal to laugh, cry and not having anything to say at all
• Therapy is a collaborative process. A therapist won’t tell you what to do, but will guide you towards the answers yourself
• Not all therapy journeys follow the same timeline, it depends what you want and need to get out of your sessions

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How does therapy actually work? (in plain English)

In simple terms, there are two things happening in a therapy session. Firstly, you are talking to someone who is removed from your immediate life. This means they objectively observe what comes up from a slightly different perspective from you, and anyone else directly involved with you. This separation allows you to be more vulnerable, to explore and share more about yourself. You also don’t have to consider anyone else’s feelings. Trust is a key marker here, as the positive relationship with your therapist grows, you trust their thoughts and advice. Finally, you have a space that is fully aimed at your specific needs, which is hard to come by outside of a therapy session.

Secondly, a therapist is trained to be curious and explore what comes up with you. They do this in a way that prompts you to pay attention to themes and triggers that need listening to. They are there to support you through something that is already accessible to you, something you are most likely aware of, but it can be hard to uncover, when you don’t know what you are looking for.

Our minds and bodies are creatures of habit, they find comfort in the familiar. Working through things, changing unhelpful patterns and thought processes requires stepping into the unknown. A therapist is there to guide you on that journey when our brains perhaps won’t (always) go there voluntarily.

It's a combination of these things, a positive relationship with someone who is somewhat removed, and also trained to uncover and support change, that enables therapy to be as effective as it is. 

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What actually happens in a session

Your first session is likely to be led by your therapist. They will explain the legalities of confidentiality, what their note taking procedure is and other ‘admin’ type things related to the sessions you will have with them.

The rest of the session might look slightly different depending on the therapist or the therapeutic approach. But, in general, the first couple of sessions will involve exploring your story and what has brought you to therapy.

Your therapist will guide this process, you will just have to follow their lead and answer questions. An important point to remember is therapists often ask lots of questions, but we are very used to people not knowing the answer, or preferring not to answer.

It's perfectly OK to say “I am not sure what you mean”, “I don’t feel ready to share yet” or ”I don’t know the answer to that.”

The early sessions are all about building a connection and the relationship between you and your therapist, so that over time you feel more comfortable to share more on your own terms. A good therapist will never force you to open up more or sooner than you are ready to.

Feel free to give yourself permission not to ‘get something right.’ The wonderful thing about therapy is it is one of the few places in your life where there is no right or wrong way to be. You show up and you go with the flow. Sessions might look a little different each week, but there is nothing you are ‘supposed’ to be doing. Therapists are trained to guide the space, so you don’t have to!

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What to talk about in therapy (especially when you go blank)

Not knowing what to talk about in therapy is a perfectly common worry to have. Some people feel very comfortable talking and sharing more in a session, whereas others need a little more time to get used to opening up.

It’s perfectly fine not to talk, as therapy isn’t about filling the space. Sometimes silence and quietness are helpful and exactly what is needed. Therapists do not find silence or a lack of communication awkward. Remember, they are professionally trained to handle all types of situations and clients, and to meet them exactly where they are.

If you find yourself not having anything to say, your therapist will respond. Some therapists might give space, others might fill it for you. Again there is no right or wrong way to communicate. If you can, I would advise you to be honest. If you can’t find the words it's ok to say “I can’t find the words” or if you are finding it awkward and difficult, then share it. You can also ask for more or less talking/silences.. Remember this is all about what you need.

Therapists are very open humans. We are simply there to understand what is going on for you. We know that this process isn’t easy and always free flowing. I hear from my clients that prior to coming into sessions they will have the thought ‘I have nothing to talk about today,’ only to find themselves surprised because we fill the session talking about something that ends up being really helpful.

Is it normal to cry — or laugh — in therapy?

Feeling and expressing all types of emotions in therapy is normal, and really what therapy is there to do. Most of our struggles and feelings of being ‘stuck’ come from not being able to acknowledge and express emotions properly. Laughing, crying, anger, irritability - any and all of these emotions are very welcome in therapy.

I think most people are quite fearful of their emotions, and expressing them. Crying can be seen as a weakness, laughing can be seen as avoidant, irritability can be seen as rude. But, actually all of these emotions are important, they’re all just tiny signals trying to tell us something:

• Crying - it can be the release of tension or grief that needs to be resolved
• Laughing - it can create a moment of connection and awareness to not hold life too seriously 
• Anger and irritability - it can signal to us our trigger points and what dynamics feel threatening to us
  
  

For me as a therapist, I never reject any feeling that comes into the room, but I am also not necessarily drawing focus to it either, it is simply present. Emotions need space, they need to be allowed to arrive and just be. This is often enough to reduce the momentum and they eventually pass.

One of the most helpful things you will learn in therapy is to acknowledge and respect your emotions, it is one of the most powerful tools you can have in life.

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What to expect from therapy (and what it can't do)

An important thing to remember about therapy is that it is collaborative. Your therapist isn’t going to tell you what to do, and often people can feel disappointed when they realise this. But they are going to give you the space and guidance to help you explore whatever it is that you're seeking support for.

Truthfully, it is not always a quick fix, but it can help to change things quickly. I would describe therapy like peeling an onion, with the tears that go with it! You start with the outer layers, some of which feel easier to peel. You work together at a pace that feels comfortable. As you begin to trust the process more, the layers continue to fall away, though some might feel tougher than others. Underneath those layers is where you really get to understand yourself and why you think and feel the way you do. And then ultimately you are able to decide and choose how to think and feel, a bit of a superpower really!

It sounds cliche to call therapy ‘a journey’, but it does capture the spirit of change and forward motion and the fact that not every session will perhaps move you forward in a way you’d hoped. It’s also a reminder that you are very much part of the journey. You decide when to start, when to have breaks and how far you want to travel.

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How long until it works?

The honest answer is it will start working straight away. From the very first moment you have a call with a therapist you connect with, it starts working. The impact might not always be visible, but often it is. People report already feeling a lightness, that something is being shared and feels less heavy. For specific goals the timeline varies. For long-standing struggles or behavioral patterns, it can take some time for those to become different. But honestly, from the moment you start, therapy is already doing its thing.

How far it goes depends on how much time and space you have to explore and change. We will be sharing a follow up piece on specific timelines for therapy. 

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Your no-pressure next step

You don’t need to be 100% sure before you start exploring your options.

If you need support looking for a therapist, we’re here. Simply answer a few questions and we’ll pair you with someone we believe can help. Click HERE to start your pairing conversation today.

You can also have a free discovery call to see how it feels talking to a therapist before you commit to anything. 

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